Jan. 02, 2009
my new years.....
Though I feel like the days have been flowing into the next, it is the start of a new year and I guess I should treat it as such.
I locked my d. And I know it came randomly or without warning but it was just a decision that i decided I wanted to do and will carryout after this entry is posted. I wanted to disconnect myself from the madness. Take myself away from too long contemplation, self doubts, or opportunities for questioning, assumptions, and critical thought. I didn't want to lead myself down a hole of what I've done, what I didn't do and what's going on without me. I don't want to read into things, or question things that already happened or harp on the person I thought I could be.
I'm sort of dissatisfied but content with where I'm going and though I thought things would be different, I can't help but the way things turned out. Unemployed. Disconnected. Still carrying the same pounds. So I'm determined. I'm finding an alternate plan of employment while still working on the original. Maybe I am a writer but may not find myself in the magazine industry (which is currently dying piece by piece). Or maybe I'm a media head and need to figure where I fit in. Either way, I'm going to build more roads and find out how I can get to a certain level of secured success-wherever that may be. I'm going to speak my peace about my discontent with the people in my life, and leave the rest to fate. Maybe there is a roadblock in the way or maybe its just that I won't be friends with the people who smile in my face and act otherwise behind my back. Maybe I am doing the right things with my father and I shouldn't take him seriously. Maybe I shouldn't let ex's be more than history or figure why bad folk acted the way they did. I am going to get to my goal weight but won't kill or hate myself while getting there. I've always wanted to be 120lbs, even when I was in my "bad eating" phase. But maybe I will settle for a cool 135. I love food too much to get down to that level. And even so, 135 is still a killer. Though maybe I should just accept that I won't ever be a skinny mini, I do want to get a little more lean. And honestly there's so much more room for improvement that I should try to get it together.
Those are my workable goals, but for my true new years resolution is to live. To truly live and to experience success and failure whereever they may turn. This year I will create situations, and throw myself out there and make a complete fool of myself just so I can feel something. A safe life isn't one worth living, so why not create a few bumps along the way? Maybe I won't be so caught up in what the next person thinks and just do what I want. I guess I just lived in my skin for so long that I don't know what it means to be truly fearless and for what? I want to breathe passion, experience difficulty and learn so much more than what comes naturally. I want to push myself further than where I can go and do things that align with my spirit. I want to set goals for myself but live outside the lines. I want to be spontaneous but do things that I really enjoy doing. I want to eat more, and love more, and tell people I miss them and not care if I hear it back. I don't want to be afraid or polite or follow the rules or be that girl who grows up and doesn't really do anything. I want to speak my mind but hear other peoples voices. I want to find people who actually care about me and never let them go. I want to always shine bright and not worry about the person who isn't secure enough to do it on their own. I want to name names and call people out. I want to call the numbers who like me and forget the ones who play silly games. I want to be with people who act grown [and mean it not just say it] but can be silly and childlike. I want to be around motivators and motivate others. I want to do things I haven't done. I want to do things I love often. I want to be constant and changing and never forget. I want to put flowers in my hair and dance to the music in my soul.
This year is no different from the rest. It won't bring any magical luck or just reset because I want it to. This year is no different from the day before it and won't become something special just because I want it to. Today I will start living my life because I want to. Today I will start being myself because I have to. Today is just today and I don't feel promised for tomorrow.
To the joy, anger, confusion and regrets for '09. We've just started but I promise to make it a doosie.
complexlust at 11:26 p.m.